Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Death in the Family

I've held off for a couple of days writing this, hoping that my thoughts and emotions would sort themselves out into something coherent. They haven't as yet, but I shall write anyway.

It's not your usual death. However, it grieves me greatly. My life will forever be missing someone. Whenever I think of it, and the circumstances surrounding it, my chest constricts in a way I've never known, and I weep, not only for myself, but for Adam, for my children, for my parents.

But most of all, for my devastated dearest brother, who's first child was aborted by his ex-girlfriend at 11 weeks.

If I'm honest, and I'm so glad I can be here, I'm angry. Furious even. I loved that precious little life. I'd never met his girlfriend. But I adore my brother, and he was so overjoyed to become a father. It's all he's ever wanted. I'm angry because Rob didn't want her to. I'm angry because, as in his words, "But what could I do? She didn't want it."

And he's right. She left him, and decided she didn't want it after all. He's in the navy. He's at sea the larger chunk of the year. He couldn't have contested it. He wouldn't have stood a chance.

And you know what? I'm angry because we didn't get a say. The aunts and the uncles, who were so excited, for the grandparents who never got to see the first son of their first son. For the cousins, who, while they don't understand, I'm sure will feel the undercurrent for years.

I'm angry for the baby. I've never known my heart and arms could ache so much for a child not of my own womb. I'm angry that we couldn't save him. I'm angry that even if we'd offered to have the baby, which we would of, without a second thought, it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

I'm angry there's no grave. I'm angry he'll never be spoken about. I'm angry he'll never be acknowledged. I'm angry. I'm ANGRY.

I never met him. I never held him. I never breathed him in. In fact, I don't even know if it was a boy. But it's what comes naturally, and I believe the Lord it impressing it upon me.

And yet, I feel the compulsion to reach out to find him. To cuddle him close, and tell him is loved, that he was wanted, and is the sweetest little smidgen to ever grace my life.

Babies were made to be cuddled... it is incomprehensible to me that he never was... by choice.

I can't write any more. I just want to thump the keyboard and swear. Loudly.

Rest safe in the arms of Jesus, precious, beloved, sweet baby.


Holly said...

I've never thought about abortion from this perspective before. It does seem wrong that the father doesn't get any say at all, when it's his child too, but then again, it also seems equally wrong that the father should be able to say to his partner/former partner "You MUST carry this child to term, even though you do not wish to, because I want it".

Anonymous said...

i am so sorry, friend. i know you are broken over it. it is just such a loss, and there is no tangible way to wrap your mind around it because you don't even know who the baby was. i just wanted you to know i was thinking of you and praying...

love you,

A Dusty Frame said...

((Hugs)) and prayers. I'm sorry.
When my husband was a teen, his girlfriend was pg and she and her parents aborted the baby.
It still hurts him so deeply he can barely talk about it.

I'm sorry:(

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that another life was snuffed out. But shouldn't part of the anger be directed to the person who sinned by creating an innocent little life, outside of marriage?

Jen said...


I think the rules are play nice :)

So, in that frame of mind, I will ignore the insensitivity of your remark, and not say all the snippy things I could say.

I will say, though, that if you wish to start dialogue with me, I would appreciate a name, and a blogsite that I can go to to learn more about you. Otherwise, I would prefer that you.... not.

Marie said...

Hi Jen,

I just surfed in from Lizzie's combox and I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I cannot even imagine what that kind of pain feels like, but I love babies like you do (have 4 of them myself) so part of me can empathize.

I'm so sorry for what your brother is going through; it's not fair and it won't be put right until he goes to be with the Lord. I'm so sorry about the loss of his child. I will pray for you guys....just for now know that the baby is whole and happy, in the arms of Jesus. May she also come to Him in repentance one day and seek Christ...you know, a good friend of mine from church told me that she had had several abortions before she came to the Lord, and while it's terrible dealing with the guilt and the shame, she DID find healing and forgiveness. I know you're understandably very angry right now, but ultimately that is a hope we can hold out.

I look forward to getting to "know" you better through your blog.

Bianca said...

Ugh, I'm so sad. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm so glad we were able to connect via (in)courage. God has a great way of working everything out!

Monika said...

Hi Jen,
it is so sad, I really don´t understand ... lot of people has a problem to get pregnant (my own experience) and there are women, who do this....I´m sad, I´m sad for you, your brother and for every unborn child...
Take care, Monika
from Czech Republic, yes I know you from Bloom :-)

Cindy ~ My Romantic Home said...

I'm so sorry!!! That is so sad! I feel bad for you and your brother!!

That anonymous comment was really rude and uncalled for!!! I came by to say thanks for your kind comment you left regarding the rude comment I got and I see the same thing happening here! It's really too bad people have to be so rude!

Jennifer T. said...

Hi Jen,

So sorry! Each and every baby is a BLESSING.

I would love to visit NZ someday...have met many great kiwis through my work in South America.

Jen =)

Yep, stopping by from (in)courage.

Sarah said...

wow. that is SO sad!! :( *tears*