Martha Stewart's Christmas Holiday To-Do List

1 December: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
2 December: Contact local choir to record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine
3 Decmeber: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling with macha trim
4 December: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lens self
5 December: Fax family Christams newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration
6 December: Debug Windows '95
9 December: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth
11 December: Lay Faberg`e egg
12 December: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble
13 December: Collect dentures. They make excelent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative piecrusts.
14 December: Install plumbing in gingerbread house
15 December: Adjust legs of chairs so all Christmas dinner guests are the same hight when sitting down
16 December: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in icing sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture
17 December: Drain city resevoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks
18 December: Float votive candles in toilet tank
20 December: Seed clouds for white Christmas
21 December: Do festive good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequite than they really are
23 December: Organise spice racks by genus and phylum
24 December: Build snowman in exact likeness of God
25 December: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in colour-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpurri
New Years Eve: Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
~Anon~